April 2, 2000 -- A Prophetic Dream
I realize now this was a prophetic dream. On the morning Christine passed, I came home and started playing with
a handheld Dictaphone unit I kept on my desk. I have since discarded this particular unit for a new model I purchased
about two years ago -- shortly after this dream. I initially thought I hadn't recorded the dream and recently found
it as a journal entry and not a recorded dream. In the dream, Christine is packing her bags and there are several people
in the tiny room with her, including one person lying in the bed adjacent to her bed. This dream is filled with symbolism
and shows me leaving, revisiting my past briefly, changing my appearance, beginning a new life and going it alone, without
the usual cast of characters.
January 19, 2000 -- Honest Feelings
Another stream of conciousness post about what I was feeling at the beginning of 2000. I think I was sensing something
was wrong with Christine and getting a little angry about it.
October 15, 1998 -- The Importance of Communication
This is a journal entry I made in October when I was fed up with something I was feeling. It plaqued me for weeks
and I had to do something about it. Christine and I talked about it for a while, but she had this ability to invalidate
my thougts or feelings, particularly when they pertained to her. I wrote this and sent it to her and this opened the door
of open and honest communication between the two of us. After reading it she stated we came from the same background
and had some of the same experiences and feelings. We talked more after this -- not much more, but considerably better
than we had been talking.
Often when I write, I allow myself a certain stream of conciousness that allows me to go from one theme to another.
In this entry, my mind wondered from my relationship with Christine to a relationship I might have had with my father.
The letter to my father and what I wrote as his subsequent response provided closure for me in the loss of my father.
When he died, I was only seven and had no real concept of death at that time.
June 17, 1989 -- Saturday: Caleb Inherits The Hill Country
This is by far my favorite journal entry. On this night, I decided to pray all night long just as Jesus did.
I did not expect what would happen nor could I have known how this night would change my life. Since writing this piece,
in the wee hours of the morning after the experience, I have come to a better understanding of the purpose of Caleb and his
guidance for me in my life. Two years prior to this experience, my mother disowned me because I came out as a lesbian
to her, telephonically. My life was torn asunder, if you will, and everything I believed up to that point was destroyed.
For two years, I sat at God's feet and unlearned the lessons my mother taught me and learned new lessons about life and about
myself. In the end, I realized I should not live my life according to other people and their wants or desire for me,
but to live my life in accordance with what I believed -- from God's lips to my heart.
The judgments of others are often based in fear. If I continued to live my life by the the judgement of others,
I would be living my life in fear. If I chose to live my life in fear, I will never see the Promised Land -- true fulfillment
of my life. I learned to stand for what I believe, regardless of who liked it or not, and move forward trusting God
and believing all things are possible.