I have written
much since my last entry in this journal, however, I have also had to reformat my disk twice since installing the new hard
drive.So, I lost what I entered.Suffice
it to say it was not much and more of the same.
Here I sit now
in the last year of the millennium, and the century.What will I do this year
to overcome all I have not done in the past ten, twenty, thirty years?Will I
finally overcome the demons I have lived with these many years?Will I finally
come full circle and back to a life of art and creativity?When one leaves a
road meant for them to travel to follow a road paved by others, one loses one?s way and struggles in the darkness of
others having long since left their own light.I am trying to find my way back
home.I sense the beacon of my own light far off in the distance ? but
it seems so far away and I guess I am now wondering if I will live long enough to get there ? to finally see it and
live it.
This has been
a painful journey for me.I have come to realize that images from my past, mere
illusions today, have haunted me and prevented me from realizing my true potential.I have labored and meandered through mediocrity and just existed without being.My soul has told me this.Each morning, when I awaken, I hear the words
of my soul and now even see these words, written in indelible ink, on the walls of the place called my home ? on the
walls of the place where I live.
Christine is lying to me. I can tell it.I don?t know what the lie is and I can?t put my finger on it but I know she?s lying.Something is wrong and I can feel it.All
I can do is tell her something is wrong, I just can?t put my finger on it.Every
time I repeat these words to her, I know the source dwells with her.She?s
walking funny now, kind of bent over and her arms are sort of locked up, not down by her side.She labors when she walks.I asked her about visiting her doctor and she
only gets angry with me.I wish she would just talk to me.Why won?t she talk to me.I keep asking her these questions
too, to no avail.I don?t know what she?s hiding or why she feels
a need to hide, I just wish she trusted someone, anyone, and talk.She carries
too much pain and it is penetrating my world.I feel it when she walks through
the door, I feel it through the walls of her house, I feel it when I get in her car ? the pain lingers with her and
what is it?
I?m getting angry.Is there no one who can talk about truth, or love, or passion ? where is passion?Does everyone feel a need to express their emotions, packaged up like consumer goods?Everything and everyone is so f?ing plastic, like honesty is a bad word.Don?t show your weakness and don?t let ?em know you?re hurting
? and all of them can be knocked down with little or no effort and they can?t even see it.Integrity is lacking.
