The Lily In The Valley
I've gone through the fire
And I've been through the flood
I've been broken into pieces
Seen lightnin' flashin' from above
But through it all I remember
That He loves me
And He cares
And He'll never put more on me
Than I can bear
Kirk Franklin ? More Than I Can Bear
In the Song of
Solomon 2:1, the text reads: I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.
It means when you are having a valley experience, look for the Lord and He
will walk with you or help you out of the valley. Another poem I like is the
one about the footprints in the sand where the person notices one set of footprints in the sand and asks ?where were you Lord when I needed you?? The response,
?I was carrying you.? The
point of both is look for the way, the truth and the light and/or get help.
A friend made an interesting
observation recently about her braces. She said she never noticed the number
of people wearing braces until she started wearing them herself. That is a very
true statement. Sometimes we do not notice the condition of others until we are
either going through it, or have gone through it ourselves. In the past few years,
I have noticed a number of people going into, traveling in, or coming out of the valley.
I noticed them because I have been there. This valley experience for me
was different than others I have had in my life. This valley experience was the
valley of selfishness and it meant giving up a lot of who I am for the sake of others.
In the past, it was always about me and what I wanted or needed. At times
my life would include others, but very briefly. I would weave my way into and
out of people?s lives without thought. I have always been a loner and was
quite happy about it until recently.
The people I met
these past few years put their dreams aside to help others with their dreams. Some
took time away from work and family to take care of family members or friends. Others
gave up businesses and homes to travel across country to take care of a parent. Many
gave up friends and family to sit by the side of a dying spouse, partner or family member.
There were a few I met in the valley who struggled with giving up a part of their lives and lost someone. For them, the valley represented a place of guilt and/or shame.
When I met Christine
in the Summer of 1995, I met a woman who recently moved back into the home she rebuilt after losing it in the earthquake of
1994. Shortly after returning to her home, she was laid off from her job. Shortly after notification of the RIF, her son was murdered. I have never met anyone,
in my entire life, who suffered tragedies like this in such a short period of time.
Christine would serve as my guide, by example, through the valley of selfishness. To paraphrase one gentleman who posted a message about Christine
on one of the message boards, Christine did not have a lot of time to waste on negative energy;
she kept moving forward in a positive way and kept looking for the positive. To
put it bluntly, Christine stayed around just long enough to teach me a few new lessons.
If I look back
to the time just prior to my valley experience, I could probably point to Mary
Jo?s illness as my entrée into the valley. I
could not deal with her illness and chose to stay away from her. I hated this
about myself and wanted to do more but instead, I chose to do what was comfortable for me and that was stay away.
We never know
when our illusions of safety, freedom, well being, or health will hit the fan and fall to the floor in pieces. We never know what lessons we need to learn in order to prepare the way for our next steps in life. Sometimes, just before the lesson comes, a guide may be introduced into our lives. Sometimes, we need to look around and check the people in our lives and ask why they
are there. We may be pleasantly surprised to find, when the illusions shatter,
one of those people may be the only one standing, waiting to catch us when we fall.
I will not deny
Christine got on my last nerve on more than one occasion but, I could never walk away from
her. I could never walk away because a tiny voice inside kept telling me no and
I am very glad I listened, albeit rebelliously, to the voice. We all have choices
and free will. We can choose to dismiss our guide and go it alone or, we can
choose to keep our guide to serve their special purpose. I could have walked
away from Christine without a thought and would have tumbled into my valley, tossing and turning,
kicking up dirt and cursing the darkness until I either crawled out alone or found someone to help me. Christine knew the valley well and what an excellent teacher she was both
in life and in death.
But, what if you
find yourself without a guide? What do you do when you find you have dismissed
your teacher? Very simply, you get help ? you find another teacher. Do not wander in the valley, under a dark cloud, in the rain or in the dessert for
40 days, 40 nights, or 40 years ? get help. If you feel you are stuck,
get help.
Many of the people
I talked with these past few years wandered in the wilderness, under dark clouds, for far too long before getting or asking
for help. Each said they wished they had reached out sooner. One gentleman I know is still writhing in the valley, tearing his clothes, snashing his teeth and cursing
God. Every time I ask him to get help, he rebels against the thought of doing
something so ?ridiculous.? The valley is a teacher and sometimes
the experience of being torn apart, shattered and broken can lead to serious depression.
Finding a guide, a teacher, or therapist may be the only way we can rid ourselves of the depression in order to accept
the lessons learned in the valley.
Depression is
common. In fact, 1 in 5 Americans can expect to get some form of depression in
their lifetime. Over 1 in 20 Americans have a depressive disorder every year and women are almost twice as likely as men to
experience depression throughout their lives. Fortunately, there are effective treatments for depression that either alleviate
or minimize much of the suffering associated with symptoms of depression. Women
suffer from unipolar (as opposed to bipolar or manic) depression in greater numbers than men do. Many people begin to feel depression resulting from some recent event or events. Sometimes family history and genetics plays a role in the likelihood of someone becoming depressed. Increased
stress and/or inadequate coping mechanisms to deal with the stress may can contribute to depression. There are biological and psychological components to every depression; it is not purely a biochemical or
medical disorder. Look for and get help.
In 1996, when
I made a 360 degree change in my life from my nice upscale apartment with all of the amenities to a house in the burbs, away
from everything, with low or no water pressure and the place smelled of cat piss (pardon mon francais), I was severely depressed. I left the place where I could walk anywhere to shop, to the post office, to a nice
restaurant, to a health food store, coffee shop, Dupars for breakfast, or the Farmer?s Market; now I had to drive a
great distance to do any of the above. I did this for my mother. I gave up my life as I knew it for her.
I will not go
into why my mother was stuck with this house, but suffice it to say when I saw my mother losing weight and found she was lacking
some of the goodies I was accustomed to seeing in the refrigerator at her own home, I had to do something. I took over the responsibility of this piss poor excuse for a house to share the burden of a financial
sinkhole. I could have continued to live lavishly in the lap of luxury. I could have watched her handle the responsibility of this house alone. I could have cursed the darkness she was cast into and continue to rebel against it because I knew its
source. But no, I chose to leave my lavish living and move into a dump where
I had to run water for 30 minutes, let it sit for 2 hours and then get in to take a bath.
To say this was not depressing would be a gross misstatement.
Thanks to Christine
who always looked for the positive, I learned to look through her eyes and see the beautiful trees, the squirrels, the birds,
the raccoons, the skunks, all of those things she found enjoyable, I learned to love them as well. Thanks to her discovery of the beautiful hardwood floors beneath the cat soaked carpet, I pulled the carpet
up and found they were truly beautiful floors. Thanks to her insisting that I
change the bathroom, I discovered I had a handy hand at fixing things and removed the sink, the commode, the mirror and fixtures
and installed a marble sink, a vanity, a new mirror and commode. I learned to
see the beauty of what I had through the eyes of Christine as my guide. At the same time, I was introduced to a friend?s therapist who instructed me to find something nice
about where I lived, each day, and replace the negatives with something positive. I
?ruckemed, suckemed,? for a while after that until I started looking through Christine?s
eyes, which served as my guide to see the positive. I asked for and got help.
When my mother?s
heart was pierced by the sword of love, I heard her cry a wretched cry and it tore my heart out. The more I heard her cries, the deeper I fell into a depression.
I went back to my friend?s therapist and we talked of things I could never tell my mother, Christine
or any friend for that matter. Through our many discussions, both in person and
telephonically, we discovered I needed to find a creative outlet. I tried to
paint again and draw but my heart was not in it. Finally, we decided on gardening. I really did not want to do this but I ruckemed and suckemed my way through it and
in the end, I had a beautiful yard. I asked for and got help.
I followed this
procedure of asking for and getting help up to Christine?s illness. During her illness, I found I only wanted to make time to be with Christine
or think about Christine. I did not want to make
time for calling or seeing anyone else to talk about anyone else but Christine. I gained weight, I could not sleep, I ate whatever I could find, my skin erupted, my hair fell out, my
hair turned gray and I kicked the dirt and cursed the darkness and did not ask for or get help. The dark cloud followed me for months. I could not get it
together, I could not find things, I could not pay bills on time, I had stacks of mail in my living room that prevented me
from finding the bills to pay them on time, I could not focus, and I still did not ask for or get help. I could barely keep my clothes together, I experienced terrible headaches, I did not care how I looked
when leaving the house, I often did not want to leave the house, and still, I did not ask for or get help. My brother had a terrible accident, I could not see straight, I went to work and came home on automatic
pilot, sometimes I would end up places not knowing how I got there, my grass was dying, my flowers were dying and I still
did not ask for or get help. Another friend died and I could not sleep and then
I slept too much and then I could only sleep for a couple of hours at a time and still I did not get help.
A few weeks ago,
upon the urging of my friend to call her therapist, I called my friend?s therapist again. I found my illusions of safety had been shattered, my illusion of freedom was shattered, and the illusion
of relationships was shattered. More importantly, the illusion I held of self
was also shattered. Through our conversations, I realized I had been living the
past seven years of my life for others: my mother, my brother, my uncle, Christine, Theressa,
and my mother and brother again. I was sitting in a dangerous place waiting for
the next hurricane so I could jump on, feet first, for the ride. I needed to
stop the world of turmoil and get off. It is time for me now and I have to relearn
how to do for me again.
My therapist gave
me an assignment which I rebelled against for many weeks until Sunday. On Sunday,
I actually walked through a mall without purpose. I browsed the shops, the stores
and the racks and items contained within. I walked along the sidewalks, again,
without purpose and discovered many new shops and stores I never noticed. In
the past few years, I only went out to get what I needed and return home. This
past Sunday, I walked, shopped, went into a restaurant and instead of taking it out, I ate in.
I enjoyed my day and wished I had more time. I asked for and got help.
There is a lily in the
valley if we look for it. Do not continue to sit under a cloud of gloom and hopelessness. Get help. Talk to someone, a friend,
a pastor, or find a therapist. Life is too short to find yourself wishing you
had. Get help. Had I not talked
with this therapist, I would have believed (and actually did believe) my depression was due in large part to Christine?s
death. In part, yes it did; but most of my depression was due to the stress I
have been under for the past seven years. I needed to stop kicking up the dirt
in the same spot in an attempt to find freedom. I needed someone to adjust my antenna ever so slightly in order to realize
I only needed to walk around the corner to find daylight. I am no longer stuck
in despair, I have a purpose now. I have seen myself and know I need some improvement
and I will enjoy doing what I need to do in order to improve. I needed to refocus
my attention toward myself and stop waiting for the next shoe to drop. I needed
to learn in order to do for others I first need to fill my cup. I also needed
to realize I was not giving much to myself because I was not giving much of myself
to others.
In every life
a little rain must fall and I?ve seen some torrential storms. But, there
will be sunny days ahead and we need to enjoy those days when they come, leaving the dark clouds behind.
There's a lily my Lord
Bright as the Morning Star
Lily -- in the Valley
Bright as the Morning Star
Lily in the Valley ----
Bright as the Morning Star
Amen
Psychological Self Help: http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/
Women
and Depression: http://web.nami.org/helpline/women.html
Depression
in Women: Diagnostic and Treatment Considerations: http://www.aafp.org/afp/990700ap/225.html
Women
(and Girls) and Depression: http://www.wingofmadness.com/articles/womendep.htm
Dr. Ivan's DEPRESSION CENTRAL:
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html
About
Psychotherapy: http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/
