An Ideal Partner -- Does Such A Person Exist?
During my youth, Love
will be my teacher; in middle age, my help; and in old age, my
delight. — The Broken Wings by
Here I sit, another
Valentine’s Day and I am alone; but not lonely. I still have
the memories of loves once enjoyed — all of them — and the
fantasies of what can be.
In the hall, between my
bedrooms, hangs a sign that states:
Although . .
I am alone a lot
It’s not a lot of loneliness
But I will admit –
I want and need a woman
A woman who understands
What loving, sharing and caring
Is all about
Or if she does not know
At least be willing to learn
And until I find
The type of woman
I want and need
I’d rather live without
Than be a victim of love abuse
And have my heart turned inside out
For two women
Living together – doesn’t
Always make a happy home
And I can be unhappy
By myself – alone and on my own
It is not that I am shying
away from love or mulling over some hurt feelings from loves’
past; no, in actuality, as I look out over the landscape of
perception many women are now living out their lives as life
imitating art. What many women state they want in or from a
partner is material, a certain look, a particular complexion, a
specific size or height, and in some cases, a certain level of
education, all or any of the above or more are representative of
suitable prerequisites to love.
I often reminisce about the
“good ole days” when none of the above prerequisites entered
into the equation for love. Ahhh, those days of spring when you
looked over and saw someone who made your heart and soul leap
with joy. Her very presence caused you to smile
uncontrollably. You could not sleep waiting for the sun to rise
on a new day when you would see her again. Then, you had no
restrictions on love; you accepted love however it came.
Now, we have instilled fears
in ourselves and others — am I tall enough? Am I rich enough?
Am I pretty enough? Am I educated enough? Do I drive the right
car? Do I wear the right clothes? Does she see me as Butch or
Femme? Butches don’t approach other butches and femmes don’t
approach other femmes and what is that about anyway?
Love and relationships have
become more difficult than need be. I wish I could walk into a
room and see that woman across the way that makes my heart leap
for joy. I would wish to have a simple conversation with her
that would not entail what I do, what I make, where I live or
the model car I drive. I would want to enjoy her smile as we
engage in small talk. I would want to enjoy her laughter as we
share a joke. I would want to dance with her and feel her
warmth. I would want to enjoy every moment of her for as long
as the universe gives us time to do so and I would not care if
we were only to share a few intimate moments, or a lifetime of
"And think not you
can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you
worthy, directs your course." --
Too many controls, too many
restrictions, too many missed opportunities for happiness. The
Glad Woman meets Ms. Saran Wrap and their relationship becomes
plastic, transparent and empty. I can truly be unhappy by
For me, a perfect mate is
someone who can spend a day with me naked, both figuratively and
literally, completely exposed to one another and vulnerable.
Too often we are expected to be perfect and strong and never,
never vulnerable. I need to be vulnerable sometimes, I need to
experience the dark nights of the soul so that I might grow and
learn from my mistakes. During those times, I don’t necessarily
need someone telling me what I could or should do, I may only
need someone to hold me and tell me “it’s going to be alright.”
I do not expect my mate to be "Superwoman" either. I would want
to be there for her through her dark nights as well that we may
A perfect mate for me would
be someone totally uninhibited. I would love someone who does
not view lovemaking as being performed a right way or wrong
way. I want a Barry White “making love for hours and hours and
hours” kind of lovemaking. I want the art, the sensual
pleasures, and the love. I’m not interested in just chasing
orgasms and the labels kinky, nasty, makes love like a man,
makes love like a woman, dirty, freaky, etc., are not
important. After a day of work in the world of business; I want
to have one private joy to come home to, to get lost in, to
behold and venerate.
A perfect mate for me does
not need me to fill her cup of life. Her cup is full and she
wants me in her life to enhance it. In that way, when we are
apart there will be no jealousy, no envy, no worry, no fear, we
are sure of ourselves and confident in our relationship. She,
the words to my music and I, the music to her words and apart,
she is a cappella and I am instrumental – we won’t need each
other to define each other.
Kahlil Gibran once wrote, “If
I cannot be your friend, then I’ll have to content myself in
being your lover.” A perfect mate for me would be my best
friend. In that space of friendship is where I have found the
most love. A friend is someone who will watch your back – your
gatekeeper – and regardless of the argument you had last night,
they will still rise like a century and deny access to those
intent on hurting you. I want my lover to be my best friend as
I will be hers. In spite of the many arguments, the broken
glasses or dishes, the cold food, the toothpaste, or my
passionate Taurean outbursts, she will still be there for me as
I will be there for her.
So, you see, I cannot say I
want someone older or younger, rich or poor, car or no car,
light or dark, visually impaired or visually capable, a size 18
or a size 4, educated or not, butch or femme, smoking or
non-smoking, vice president or secretary, lawyer or doctor,
political or non-political, dreading or permed – any one of the
above could possess the qualities I seek in a mate.
Unfortunately though, many women have not spent time with
themselves to know what they really want in a mate; so I am
alone – but I am not lonely.
So, on this Valentine’s Day,
I will spend time indulging myself with a bubble bath, a good
book, Lorez Alexandria and Coltrane, a
glass of wine, and sweet memories because I can be unhappy or
happy by myself and, one thing I have learned over the years, I
am damn good at loving me.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Let there be space in your
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with
the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not to near together;
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's
From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran